This is the second part of last week’s story about families who relocated for Noble. In this episode, Adelle and Anne talk to one another about their friendship, motherhood, shared commitment to meet a child’s needs, and how beautiful it is when you find someone who “gets it.”
Gayle: I am so excited to talk to you both today. You're the first duo to be interviewed for the podcast, and I'm really excited because you have both told me a story about support systems that is really beautiful. So I thought we would begin, Anne, if you don't mind introducing yourself and sharing your Noble connection.
Anne: Mhmm. Hi. My name is Anne, and our daughter, Dani, is currently a senior. And, we moved to Greensboro January 2017, and she started in the middle of her 4th grade year.
Gayle:
And where did you come from?
Anne:
Newbern, North Carolina, near the coast.
Gayle:
When you came, what did that look like in terms of your move and making a big transition like that?That's a big family decision. Right?
Anne:
Yeah. And so, that 4th grade year, she was in a small public elementary school, and her class had 30 students in it, and she was just drowning academically. Quiet kid, just kind of overlooked. And so I started searching all over the state for a school that would work, and we visited several. And she did a day at Noble, a whole visit day here, and we said, “This is it.” And so we also have a younger child, Ella, who's a few years younger. My husband's job was in Newbern, still is, and so we decided I would move to Greensboro and so there are these nice apartments right across the street from Noble, and so I moved January 2017, left Ian and Ella in Newbern, and said we're gonna try Noble for 6 months and just see how it goes.
Gayle:
That's a huge family commitment. I'm sure there was a lot of conversation. Everybody had to adjust to that. Right?
Anne:
Yes. And a lot of uncertainty too, of: is this gonna be permanent? Are we just going to try this and then end up going back to Newbern, and then what? And then throughout that time period, Ian and Ella would travel the 3 hours here on weekends. Sometimes we'd go down to Newbern and see each other. I didn't start working until that June here, and so it's kind of a blur. I don't even remember how the days went by. I do remember, even though we lived right across the street, we were frequently barely on time.
Gayle:
And was that lonely for you as a parent? I know you were bringing your child to a place where there are plenty of other children in the same situation to make friends with, but what about you as a parent?
Anne:
At first, it was. The other parents, other moms were lovely. There was certainly a mutual understanding there that we had all had difficult journeys up until then. I think I was just very stressed with being a single parent all of a sudden, and so I was not all that extroverted at that time as far as making friends.
So, Dani went through the rest of 4th grade here, and then we got into the summer, went to Newbern for the summer, and said, yep, we're gonna stay at Noble. And I got back here, school started up in August, and then Christy Avent, the admissions, Director. She said, Anne, there is another mom that is here from Australia with her son, Nick, and they live in the apartments too. You have to meet her. And I believe the first time we met was in the parking lot and, I just kinda knew right away, like, this is – we click.
Adelle:
I remember Christy mentioning well, asking if it was okay to share my details with another mom who was staying in the apartments, and who I hadn't come across, already. We'd been here for a couple weeks but I hadn't come across Anne, or Dani, and so I kind of waited, I thought maybe she might call, you know, maybe not, whatever, but you did reach out and I remember seeing each other in the parking lot and kind of straightaway starting this conversation and then going and having lunch, at the diner somewhere, I remember. And I just remember we just did not stop talking. It was just this, just such a strong I know the word connection is overused but just a strong sense that we both knew that it was a difficult path to get here and that it still wasn't perfect. I think that's the thing that really helped us bond, I think, at that moment. It was because we were still having challenges, you know, you had a daughter that was at home that missed you and you were trying to straddle both worlds. I was still waiting for my husband to get here with his visa. So, yeah, adjusting to being a single parent, which I have a very strong appreciation for people that do that on their own.
Anne:
Yes.
Adelle:
And also wondering, like, how long are we gonna be in this kind of in between life where you're you know, we both created homes and the apartments, but it still wasn't what we were used to.
Anne:
Yeah. I go ahead.
Adelle:
And I know it was really good for the kids too because at one point, I think you had a kitten. And so Nick loved going over to your apartment to see the kitten and to talk Dani. And so then he had someone else from school that he was seeing outside of school, which was really nice because he was still settling in and didn't know about all these American kids and whether they were going to be nice or not.
Anne:
I just remember thinking, like, I knew another mom here who they had moved from Florida. And since then, I know there's plenty of people who've come from other places. But Christy said Australia, and I was like, what? And when we went to lunch, you were really sharing about the tremendous just dearth, lack of resources for learning differences in Australia was, surprising to me. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if do you wanna talk something about what that was like there?
Adelle:
Yeah. And I think that was probably what was so nice about being able to tell a bit of that story and know that you got it, like and you could understand how the absence of those things made such a difference. Like, when you're struggling to get the right kind of pediatrician to support ADHD.
Anne:
Yes.
Adelle:
That you're trying to explain ADHD to teachers who I just assumed would know something about ADHD and who would act like he was the only kid on the whole planet that had this, you know, was living with this. It's like, no, like, he was in a school of, like, 750 little kids. So there were other people like Nick but, yeah, that wasn't really discussed very much with us. It was all about our son. So, yeah, just to be able to talk about it with someone who actually got it. And then you had another dimension, and other experiences that I hadn't experienced. But we just had that foundation stuff that sometimes with other parents who aren't raising someone with neurodiversity or well, any kind of difference. They just don't get that. Like, they might care, but it's not the same as talking to someone who kind of gets it. And I know at the time, we were also trying to connect with some other parents. And I know we had a couple of coffee sessions and things like that back in those early days so that people could have others to talk to.
Anne:
Yeah. It can be such a lonely experience trying to navigate doctors, psychologists, learn the IEP meetings here in the States were just wrenching.
Anne:
And I think the thing is too, I agree with what Gayle was saying is that, like, in those early days, your child's settling in and they're finding their way and they're making the friendships they need to make and they're learning about their teachers and and you're you're kinda on the outside of that and you're watching that happen and you're starting to think, okay, I can relax a bit now.
But you're also then making connections to the school as well. And so having someone else to talk to about, the resources that you're tapping into or who was helpful, you know, and then kind of broadening that circle out to other parents was really helpful.
And I do remember also talking about how, you know, when you look at a school from the outside when you're making decisions and and there's a lot of material on the website and people say different things on the tours, but that I always found Noble really lived up to the expression about meeting the child where they're at because that that's certainly been our whole experience and that that's changed over time.
Anne:
Mhmm.
Adelle:
So as Nicholas adjusted and after we hit middle school, you know, there's different issues that come up. And every time, I always felt like even if I wasn't totally happy with an outcome, I always felt like, well, that's where he was, and that's what needed to happen at this point.
Anne:
Yes.
Aelle:
So I really believe that they've been true to that ethos.
Anne:
Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna say too that there's diversity here in the student body. You know, I have been so impressed, not only with the faculty and staff, but also with the kids who might you know, who differ on their own beliefs, is that Dani has been on this journey the last 5 years or so of exploring, gender and names and pronouns and just feeling, like, really confused about that. So there's been lots of ups and downs, which has not been easy for my husband and I, but we've just embraced that and really tried to go with it. And every one of those changes, everybody at Noble is like, we got it. We're on board. What's the name now? What's you know, it's like and the kids also went with those changes, and it blew me away given how divisive that issue can be. And I think it really speaks to the kids also know, okay, there's a culture of respect here, you know, of people's differences. And, so I was just really impressed by all of that.
I remember just getting here and thinking, oh, these teachers finally get it. Like, I don't have to explain and explain and explain, you know, just feet my head against a wall. It's just such a welcoming atmosphere and kind of, you know, even at the hard times, teachers, administrators, counselors, like, “It's gonna be okay.” Yes. You know, there's just always kinda that sense from y'all, from, you know, everybody here of, like, it's gonna be okay. Get through it.
Yeah. Because there were some bumps there, especially in middle school, just with mental health. And, the counselor here, you know, Lance Oldham, just really helped Dani. And even now with the high school, Ms. Cawley, Erin Cawley, it's like open door policy. You know? And she has her dog, Lola.
Gayle:
Lola, the comfort dog!
Anne:
And I know for Dani, it's just really important just to know that she's there. Like, hey, if I need to just go lay on her couch for a second and not talk to anybody, you know, before I get overwhelmed, overstimulated. So yeah.
Gayle:
Can you think of times when you've offered the other or you've received from the other a tip, a tool, a suggestion, even a strategy?
Anne:
That's a great question. Because most of what we do is commiserate. So, gallows humor?
Adelle:
Yeah. I must admit the first thing I thought of was humor. It's that, you know, being able to get sarcastic about something that actually is really distressing, but it's just better to have a laugh about it for a moment and then go back to trying to figure out what you're gonna do about it.
But, just being able to be a bit lighthearted about some of it, and I think at times when, it's being able to text somebody at any time.
The number of times that just a text has helped to kinda say, good grief. You know, this is happening again. And having someone else straight away come back with, you know, you got this or whatever it is. There's certainly been information sharing, like, we might come across different doctors or counselors, after school activities, which you have had much more success with those than I have.
Anne:
Well when you said something about executive function, I wonder if we should talk about, like, what growth have you seen over the years and, like, the ups and downs? Because I y'all went through a real hard time early middle school with school attendance, I think.
Anne:
We did. Well, yeah, when we first got here, we certainly struggled with him. Maybe the second Finding his feet and kind of realizing that it was gonna be okay and it was a safe place and that he wasn't going to end up feeling the same way he had about school.
So I think by the end of 6th grade, he was kinda flying higher with that and was much more confident. Middle school was a bit tough for everybody, I think, because we ended up with COVID at some point. But because we'd already be doing a lot of online teaching and we had Google Classroom, everything's just kinda ready to go, then I think the pivot to online was really good.
Gayle:
So, I remember, Adele, when we spoke, you talked about how you would share the videos, or FaceTime even when Nick was reading. And that was how you kind of communicated to people far away that you, were doing well here, that this was worth it. Right? This is why you did what you did. Do either of you have any other examples of how you sort of let people who maybe were questioning your uprooting yourself, how you communicated, “This is why we did it?”
Anne:
Such a good question. I think I don't mean to be Debbie Downer, but unfortunately, a lot of people are not gonna truly understand that kind of massive decision unless they have lived through it themselves. Not because they don't wanna understand it, but it's very hard to put into words. I get emotional. It's hard to put into words, like, the struggles that you go through as a family and as a couple and feeling helpless watching your child, like, suffer. So I don't think it's possible for everybody to understand that big of a decision.
I was definitely the driving force in our family behind moving. It was very painful to separate from our younger daughter. My husband was definitely supportive of it, but I was the driving force for that. And I'm so proud of that now. I I told my mom yesterday We got big news yesterday. Okay? Dani was accepted to Salem College and got a merit scholarship based on GPA. We never thought we'd see the day. We never thought college would be an option, and, it felt like the culmination of her. I guarantee you, if we had not come to Noble, there is no way this child would be going to college, because the support is not there in a traditional school. It's just not. And so, boy, yesterday was a huge day in our house. It was so exciting. I don't know where I was going with that, but your question, “Will people understand?” I think we've been very fortunate that grandparents have really understood and supported all the grandparents have, and that's been really important and key. And that we, as a couple, were on board together. This is a mutual decision.
Adelle:
Yes. I would agree.
Anne:
How did you try to explain?
Adelle:
I think we certainly still have some family who don't totally get it and maybe still think that we could have found what we needed somewhere in Australia. And I loved a couple of times I could hear Paul on the phone to the family, and he'd be saying, “Well, if it was there, Adele would have found it!”
Anne:
Yes.
Adelle:
Thank you. But I think over time, I think they also see it because they see the whole family kinda coming out of that fog. You know? That, like, you have a thriving practice. Like all these other things start to happen that when you're in that hell that you're in, like, none of those things happen. You don't have that extra energy to get into a hobby or to do something as a couple or you just don't because you're so consumed by what's happening day to day and then you're worrying at night the number of times you'll be texting at very late hours. Yeah. Because it just doesn't stop.
Anne:
Yeah.
Adelle:
Yeah. Once it starts to get better, you do. You feel this weight lifting going off. Yeah.
Yeah.
Gayle:
So aside from your wonderful children, what does your life look like now? How did it work out for you as parents, as people, as Greensboro residents now? How's it going?
Anne:
Well, I'm a couple's therapist, and I established my own practice in 2019, and that's going great. And talk about opening up extra bandwidth. I am in a PhD program, 4-year program. I'm in my last year.
Yay.
And so I'm going to graduate the same year Dani graduates, which is so exciting. And, yeah, and then Ian, I'll say this for people who are considering Noble, he has worked long distance this entire time for 7 years or whatever. Newbern is 3 hours away, and his boss is very flexible and said, Look, come to Newbern 2 days a week, and you can work at home the other 3 days a week. So one of the sacrifices our family has made is that Monday morning, he gets up at 4:30 in the morning, drives, goes to work all day, stays a night in a hotel, works all day Tuesday, comes home Tuesday night. And it has been that way every week for this entire time. And so that's a sacrifice the whole family made, not only him having to do that commute, but me being a single mom 2 evenings a week. The kids saying hello and goodbye to their dad, you know, but it was worth it, a 1000%. So yeah.
Gayle:
And Adele, how's it going for you?
Adelle:
It's going really well. It certainly has been a good place to settle into. We always found Greensboro to be kinda just the right size, that if you wanted to do something big and exciting, it's not far to get to somewhere where you can do something big and exciting. But for the day to day, we always joke that everything's within twenty minutes and if it's not, you kind of think a bit hard about whether you can go. I was always happy that Costco is, like, right on the twenty minute line. And it's just been an easy place to live. We've enjoyed being close to the mountains, close to the beach. It's been good from a career point of view and, again, I've had a bit more capacity to to pick up some new projects and things that I know I wouldn't have been able to do, if Nicholas hadn't been on the right path. And, yeah, I've just found it to be a very livable place.
And it and it always makes me sad to think of the other kids that don't have a Noble there and here. I mean, Noble is still not totally accessible for everybody. And it would have been nice to have found it earlier but I don't think we would have been that – We wouldn't have had that sense of we have no other option. Let's do it. Like, I know it sounds like such a huge move and it was a huge move, but at the time, it honestly didn't really feel like that. It was like ,I'd seen the school. I knew it. Well, I've had a lot of faith it could work, and it was literally, like, well, what else are we gonna do? I can't take him to work every day.
Anne:
The thing that torments you when you're going to sleep at night that is not the same when you have a neurotypical child is you think, “What is their life going to be like? Can they live on their own? Are they going to thrive? But can they go to college? Are they gonna go to community college?” And mental health issues that go with all this too. Your most profound worries is about them surviving and living. Right? So sitting with that question mark is really, really hard. So the relief about college was really big. And I thought, what if we hadn't found Noble? There's no way this would be the reality now.
Gayle:
Anything I didn't ask you about or that's on your mind that you wanna share with the focus that, you know, you have found support systems after making a big move?
Anne:
You've asked great questions.
Gosh. You just need one person. You need one close friend. You know? And even though sometimes we go periods of time, we don't see each other much. It's like knowing somebody who's there who gets it. You know, like, I don't know. Yeah. You can just text anything. You can be real. And be like, I'm losing my mind.
Gayle:
I have found that too. It's better to have one person who absolutely gets your shorthand than to have 20 people who you feel like you're just trying to figure out how you can talk to them.
Anne:
Right. Exactly. Yeah. And I think especially, I learned this phrase called ambiguous loss. It's a type of grief. And so it's a loss that has a lot of uncertainty and is difficult to describe to others. And I think on our journey, this parenting journey, there's a lot of grief and loss that's at the heart of it. And I think there's an inherent understanding of what that means when you find a friend like you. So yeah.
Gayle:
Well, thank you so much. Your friendship is beautiful, and what you've given to your children is beautiful and inspiring.